Why Trying To Be Happy Will Make You Unhappy
What If Happiness Was A Choice?
Welcome, dear reader to Happiness On Demand.
You’ve come to the right place if:
- You feel that there’s always something missing in your life, that prevents you from being happy
- You want to get rid of stress, anxiety, or even depression
- You are wondering why life often kicks you in the butt
- You are trying to be happy, but nothing you try seems to work
- You are willing to take a new approach to life and your understanding of it
- You want to be happy
This blog was born out of my 20-year-long journey to happiness, during which I learned that not only had I been living ‘wrong’ most of my life, I was also looking for happiness in all the wrong places. I thought I had life figured out and was, at least according to my standards, successful, but even with all the hard work and success I one day realized that I was not happy.
This was puzzling because no matter how hard I tried, I could not figure out the reason why I was unhappy. There should not have been any reason for me not to be happy, but there I was. Tired and stressed out with emerging anxiety disorder and rapidly deteriorating health, even though I was still a young man in my mid 30’s.
I decided things had to change and what happened after that decision was a total life overhaul, mentally and physically, that made me healthier, wealthier, more joyous, more excited about life, and the most relaxed I had ever been before. I beat stress and anxiety. After a long journey, I was finally happy.
What Is Happiness?
What came out of my experience were two important realizations:
- Happiness is our natural state of being
- Happiness is a choice
They are bold claims, I know, but in this blog we will explore these ideas in depth. What does it really mean that happiness is our natural state of being and we can choose it anytime we want? How do we achieve a lasting state of happiness? Where’s the practicality in those statements, how do they apply to ‘real life’?
All in good time. For now, let’s start with the most fundamental question: What is happiness?
I actually had never thought of this and aside from philosophers, I doubt many people have given this a thought. In fact, there is no universal definition of happiness. If you take a look at a dictionary, they tell you that happiness is a state of being happy. Thank you, captain obvious!
A more revealing question would be: what is missing in your life that prevents you from being happy? Is it more money that you desire? Do you feel like you are alone and need more love? Do you have health problems that prevent you from enjoying life and you will need to get well before you can be happy?
Happiness Is Just One Step Away
That is how we usually think: That there is something that we need in order to be happy. Happiness, for us, lies at the end of a long and rocky road of doing something in order to get something. Consequently, happiness is always just one or two steps away.
If I can just get more money, love, friends, free time, vacations, you name it. Then I will finally be happy. That is what we have learned. But let’s assume you get that thing you are after. What then? Will you be happy, or will you just want something more. Just one more thing, after that it’s happiness all the way.
And then one more thing… and one more.. and one more…
It is a never ending cycle and something we have learned to deeply believe. We are bombarded with commercials that tell us we need a new this and that to be happy. We learn at school that we need good grades to get a good job to get a good life and be happy. Is this working?
Judging by all the anxiety, depression and other mental health disorders around the world (unhappiness), I would say this way of thinking is not making us happy. If anything, it is making us more miserable by the day. I am not judging, just making an observation.
Being Happy Comes Naturally
That is our society’s model of happiness. Get something (e.g. money) to be something (e.g. happy)
However, true happiness is not dependent on getting something. Happiness is in fact our natural state of being. We are supposed to be happy, but the thought of needing something or missing something is what makes us unhappy.
I am not suggesting that we drop every dream and desire we have ever had and start looking for happiness inside of us like monks alone on a mountain, meditating all of the time. We do not have to forget about our physical needs in order to find happiness on the inside. I am merely saying that we should consider taking a different view to our life and the world around us.
Happiness lies at the core of our being, but it is buried under layers of stress, fear, anxiety and worry. Once we learn how to peel back these layers of unwanted negative feelings, we’ll start to feel happier and happier. Don’t worry, there are many ways to do this and I will reveal all the methods, tips and tricks I know.
What Does It Take To Be Happy?
Now that we have a grasp of what happiness is, the question that follows is:
What does it take to be happy?
Keeping in mind that we are taught to get something in order to be something, if you are like me and the majority of others, you’ve tried everything. All the tricks in the book to be happy. Worked hard, studied hard, set goals, achieved them, failed them, eventually maybe even got your life somewhat in order? Still you did not feel happy.
No matter what the circumstances may have been in your life, there has always been this nagging feeling that there is something missing that you need in order to be happy.
How To Live A Happier Life?
The core of unhappiness lies in the realisation, that you think that you need something in order to be happy. If you live your life thinking your happiness is dependent on getting something (whether you think so consciously or subconsciously), you will never arrive to that place of happiness.
Even when you get what you thought you needed for happiness, you will find out that soon you need something more. “If I just had that one thing, then I could finally be happy”. Of course the “finally” part never comes, there’s always this and that and something more you still think you need.
So if true happiness does not come from possessing all the love, health and material wealth in the world, and is our natural state of being, what does it take to be happy?
The most obvious answer is: drop your idea of needing something. There is nothing you need in order to be happy. On a very fundamental level, you are not separate from the world around you, so you already have everything you could ever want or need.
Simple, right?
Of course not. The problem is, it’s easier said than done. Even if you could accept the idea that you already have everything, this is not very helpful in your day to day life. What does it help to embrace this idea if it has no practical application?
Not to mention the whole idea of not being separate from the world around you might be hard to grasp, even on a conceptual level. Some new-age spiritual mumbo jumbo that is. Fear not, we will explore all of these concepts in detail later.
So what to do?
1. Think of happiness in a new way
Happiness is not dependent on the things we think we want, but rather on the absence of the things we don’t want. In my opinion, since happiness is your natural state of being, it is much more accurately described as the absence of things that make you unhappy.
When you are not sad, stressed, anxious, depressed, worrying or ill, then you are most likely happy. Under all the layers of negative emotions lies your natural state of being: Happiness.
You do not need to get anything in order to be happy. Flip the get something – be something formula backwards. Be happy first, then all the things you thought you needed to be happy will start appearing in your life, almost like magic. By concentrating on being happy, you will allow your subconscious mind to guide you to your goals with little effort.
Sounds weird? Unlikely? Impossible?
Of course it does. All of our lives we have been taught otherwise. It will take time and dedication to change your mind about what you have learned. Everything you have learned so far has become a part of your set of beliefs and your beliefs form the basis of how your life will unfold. Therefore changing what you believe will change your life.
2. Choose happiness consciously
We have not trained ourselves to be aware of our thoughts and feelings. If we paid more attention to how we feel each moment, we might notice that we can in fact influence how we feel. We can choose what we feel each moment.
Srikumar Rao, in one of his lessons about resilience and joy, put it this way:
You are driving to work, the traffic is terrible and you are in a hurry. You are stressed. Suddenly another car cuts you off, only narrowly avoiding a collision. This slows you down even further. How do you feel? Most likely you feel angry and start honking your horn and yelling. “Why’d you do something like that! Idiot! Learn how to drive!”
Now think about the same situation, reframed: The person who cut you off and is driving like a madman, is on his way to the hospital. One of his loved ones has been seriously injured in an accident and he is worried and desperate to get to their side.
What do you think of the situation now? Maybe you are more forgiving, willing to let him cut you off. Maybe you even feel sympathy, but you most likely do not get angry.
Same situation, two different emotional responses. What changed? Only the way you chose to frame the situation. You can control your feelings and happiness truly is a choice. You can choose how you feel and not let the circumstances outside of you dictate your inner state of mind. You just have to be aware of the situation and your feelings.
Learning to be aware of how you feel each moment is a valuable skill. If you’ve tried meditation, you know it’s a good tool to get in touch with your thoughts and emotions. If you are not familiar with meditation, you might consider trying it. Meditation and other similar practices help us be aware of our thoughts and once we become aware of our thoughts, we can choose what we think and how we feel each moment.
3. Take Control Of Your Mind
Speaking of choosing thoughts and feelings, have you thought about your goals in life? Perhaps even going as deep as trying to find your purpose (what is your gift to the world; we all have one). If asked “what is your goal in life?” Most of us think of only one or two aspects of our lives. Professionally you can tell how much you want to make and what position you want to work in.
Personally you might say you want a family or a certain type of house. These are good goals to keep in mind, but there is so much more to life. How about your creative side? How do you train your mind? What are your social goals? Do you give back to the society? Not to mention spiritual development (not religious, spiritual). Give these things a thought as well.
Now regardless of your goals, if things in life are going the way you want them to go, you have no reason to be stressed, worried, anxious – unhappy. If things are not going the way you want, if life is constantly handing you lemons despite you not asking for lemons, then you will likely feel unhappy.
Yes, it’s a bit simplified but that’s basically how it goes.
Most of us concentrate our efforts on working hard and doing things we think will bring us closer to our goals, but are you aware that you are not aware (yes, pun intended) of most of the decisions you make during the day? Even the most important decisions, that we are aware of and think we make consciously, are most likely dictated by our subconscious mind.
So the secret of making life go the way you want and being fully in charge, is to take control of your mind. Specifically your subconscious mind. Learn how to instruct your subconscious mind on what you really want. This is a good place to start and a big step towards living a happier life.
When you find out that you are not a victim of circumstances but instead in control of more than you might have thought, you have less to worry and more to be happy about. At the least, you will be in control of your own life, if not the circumstances around it. We will explore different options and the tools at your disposal in this blog and there are a number of resources at your disposal here.
4. Reframe your place in the world
There is of course the spiritual approach you could take and in this blog we will take a good look at this option as well. Spiritual does not mean religious, so keep that in mind. Spiritual in this context means transformative: a transformation in the way you view the universe and your existence in relation to it. It may feel strange or out of place, but I assure you it’s not that ‘way out there’ of a concept.
Reframing who you are and what you can do might just be the shortcut to happiness that you are looking for. Keep an open mind and give new ideas a chance.
Reframing your place in the world is about understanding that things in life are always going your way, no matter how it would seem. Not only in your life, but in all of life around you. Everything that is happening is happening for you, not to you. The circumstances around you are always perfect for you to experience and express who you want to be. Things in life are always going your way, so there’s nothing to make you unhappy.
Things to take away
Ok, a lot of stuff to take in here. What to do, where to start?
I’ve got good news for you. You have already started, and are on your way to happiness. By reading this blog post, you have taken the first step towards a fundamental change in your understanding of life and happiness. So please keep reading, consider subscribing to the newsletter, and take a look at the resources on this website. Finding lasting happiness may not happen overnight, but you can be well underway on your journey towards it right away.
The often repeated definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Why not try something new for a change? Change the way you view happiness. Adapt a new way of thinking. Choose your thoughts and emotions consciously. Reframe your place in the world.
Most importantly, keep an open mind. Open yourself to new possibilities. Be excited about your life and your future. After all, who wouldn’t want to be happy? John Lennon knew that happiness was the key to life (well, that and “all you need is love” of course).
You can find happiness, because it was never lost in the first place. It is there, in the core of your being, waiting for you to uncover it once and for all. Go ahead and dig in deep. I believe in you!
Conclusion
Happiness is your natural state of being. You are happy until you start to think that you need something in order to be happy.
To be happy, start thinking of happiness in a new way. Reverse your get something – be happy formula. Concentrate on being happy first and allow your subconscious mind to make decisions for you from a mindset of happiness.
You have formed beliefs based on what you have learned so far in your life. On of these beliefs is, that it takes something to be happy, be it education, high paying job, house, family, car etc. Work on changing this belief about happiness, so that you believe you can be happy without any those things. Remember this does not mean giving up your dreams, just changing your perspective on happiness.
Happiness is something you can choose. By being aware of your thoughts and feelings, you can choose them regardless of the circumstances around you. Use a simple meditation routine to help you develop awareness of your thoughts.
You make most, if not all, of your daily decisions subconsciously. If life does not appear to you the way you want it to, learn to give instructions to your subconscious mind. This can be done by using visualisation meditation as a tool.
You can reframe everything that’s going on around you. By adapting a new view of ‘the bigger picture’, you might come to an understanding that there was never anything missing in your life and there never was a reason for you to be unhappy.
Be open to new ideas and new possibilities. Keep an open mind. Set an intention to be happy and you will uncover true happiness eventually.
Disclaimer
The entire contents of this blog are based upon the opinions of the author. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. The information in this blog is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your health care professional before trying any of the products or methods based on this content. I cannot guarantee that you will be free of stress, anxiety or depression, or that you will be happy. I simply want to share with you what I have discovered during my twenty years of seeking happiness and what has worked for me may not work for you.
