What Does a Human Need to Be Happy 2/3: Emotional Needs
Previously we took a look at human physiological needs, especially the human diet.
Now it’s time to delve deep into human psychological I.e. emotional needs. What are those and how do we fulfill them?
In this blog post, we will be taking a look at our emotional needs by continuing our journey upward along the pyramid known as Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
If you missed the first part discussing human physiological needs, you can read it here.
A short recap: If you have a pet, like a dog or a cat, you will do your best to take care of it. To take good care of a pet, is to make sure its behavioral needs are met. A dog, for example has physiological needs: nutritious food that is natural for it to eat, water, shelter, etc.
A dog also has emotional or psychological needs that are typical for its species: ample play time, plenty of exercise outdoors and stimulation for its mind.
Us humans are not that different. Our physiological and psychological needs must be met in order for us to live a happy life. If our emotional needs are not met, we may become sad, anxious or depressed.
What Causes Depression?
If you are depressed, you are likely prescribed antidepressants, like… A cow for example.
What?! A cow as an antidepressant?
Sounds funny, but there’s a true story behind it. The story is told by a wonderful author named Johann Hari in his TED talk titled: “This could be why you’re depressed or anxious”. If you are eager to hear the story, you can watch the TED talk here.
Hari’s TED talk contains a ton of interesting information and I strongly suggest you watch it at some point.
Let’s focus here on anxiety and depression, since it does seem that those conditions are in part (or even in full) caused by unmet emotional needs.
There is no one single cause for depression, but there are several identified causes and risk factors.
Common causes include
- Early childhood trauma
- Family history and genes in particular
- Changes in brain chemistry
- Pain
- Medical conditions, such as insomnia, stroke and cancer
There are also multiple factors in the way we live that contribute to being at risk of depression
- Loneliness
- Urbanization i.e. not being in touch with nature
- Perceived (low) socioeconomic status
We Have The Need To Feel We Belong
Consider this: When the first modern humans appeared on this planet some 200’000 years ago, how did we live?
A single human is no match for a large predator, like a tiger or sabre-tooth cat. It’s also hard to hunt, make a shelter, get clean water, etc. if you are alone. So humans formed tribes, that proved to be extremely beneficial for the survival of our species. Not only did humans survive, they thrived and populated the entire planet.
Being a part of a tribe, a community, is deeply ingrained in our genes. We are inclined towards being a meaningful part of a community. That is one of the basic human psychological needs.
Derived from living as a part of a tribe, we can identify other psychological needs. Maslow painted the picture broadly: Family, friendship, connection. Recognition, self-esteem, freedom.
We, Humans, need to feel we belong. To be seen and heard is equally important. Our lives should have meaning and we want our future to make sense.
I’d say we all know these things deep down inside. We can feel this is true. Our feelings are truth tellers. It pays off to learn to tune in to how you feel and act accordingly.
Recognition And Meaning Are Fundamental Emotional Needs
Compare the previously mentioned needs to the risk factors of depression.
For example, loneliness is an identified risk factor for depression. We used to live in tribes so we need social connections. But instead acknowledging and reinforcing this basic psychological need, we have disbanded our tribes.
Today, in the age of internet and social media, we have become the loneliest society in human history.
This is alarmingly true especially for the younger generations (millennial, gen-z, anyone born in 1982 or later). This poll is from the U.S. but it’s not too different from other western countries:
- 27 percent of millennials have no close friends
- 25 percent have no “acquaintances”
- 22 percent — or 1 in 5 — have no buddies at all
- 1/3 of the 20- and 30-year olds also reported feeling lonely often or always.
How about recognition and meaning in life? Another survey from the U.S. reveals that, among the younger generations, one third feel their job in not very fulfilling or not at all fulfilling. About one in four feel their job is making no contribution to the world whatsoever.
Of course there’s the flip side, that 50 % feel like they are contributing to the world and their job is somewhat or very fulfilling. It’s good to focus on the positive!
Still, the percentage of workers that do not find any meaning or fulfilment in their job is alarmingly high. And the number seems to be growing generation after generation.
If you have no control over your work, your chances of developing depression significantly increase.
Our Lives Are Filled With Junk Food And Junk Values
Based on the facts that an ever increasing number of people are lonely and working meaningless, unfulfilling jobs, I am going to make a claim.
It’s the same one Johann Hari makes in his TED talk and one that I bring up obsessively on my website (although not necessarily using this exact terminology).
We have forgotten, or just outright neglect, what’s really important in life and pursue goals that are not fulfilling our inbuilt needs.
Hari calls our modern values “junk values”. Just like “junk food” is bad for our physical health, “junk values” are bad for our mental health. We found out in the previous blog post, that sugar in large quantities is very detrimental for our health, yet our diet is full of it.
The same can be said about “junk values”. Fundamentally we are aware that they are not good for our mental well-being, but our lives are dominated by these values.
Values like the love of money. Money is no more or less than a medium of exchange, but we raise it on a pedestal and worship it as the ultimate goal in life.
The unfortunate truth is, that the more you believe you can buy your way out of sadness, the more likely you are to become depressed.
We have been taught to look for happiness in all the wrong places.
How To Treat Depression?
So what is the solution? How to fulfil our psychological needs?
While trying to understand the causes and cures for depression, Hari found out that in indigenous cultures depression is treated very differently than how we do in “civilized” countries.
Our solution to everything is medication. Now remember, modern medicine is a good thing and I believe medication will help many people live better lives. But often the problem with medication is that it only treats symptoms, not the root cause.
In indigenous cultures, there are no antidepressants. Well, except for a cow of course (have you watched the TED talk yet?).
What they do, is understand that the depressed person is not feeling well. They respect whatever problems the person might have and they sit down and listen to those problems. They acknowledge that the feelings of sadness or depression are normal, that there’s a good reason for those feelings in the persons life. They offer their full support in any way they can.
What is not said, is things like “oh, just cheer up!” Or “c’mon now, there’s nothing to be sad about!”. It accomplishes nothing to disregard or hide your feelings.
If you are depressed or anxious or just sad, know that there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not weak, nor are you “a machine with broken parts”.
Address Your Unmet Emotional Needs
You are a human being with unmet needs. Depression is a signal that your emotional needs are not being met. We feel this way for reasons that may be hard to see at the moment.
Let’s stop insulting these reasons: They are not weakness or disorders.
There’s nothing that can’t be fixed. Nothing is beyond repair. This way of living, these values, are of our own construct, therefore, we can change them. Let’s address the imbalances in the way we live, starting by accepting (you can’t clean if you can’t see the dirt) that we live in a machine that’s designed to neglect what’s really important in life.
After accepting it, make a conscious choice to change it. Starting with changing yourself.
Here are two things, that Johann Hari found out, were fundamental in helping to overcome depression. These things address the deep psychological needs that we have as human beings: Esteem and belonging.
1. Join A Tribe And Do Something Meaningful Together
As you know by know, being a part of a tribe is natural behavior for us. We are social beings that find meaning in being a part of a group. Now the meaningful part… That is up to you. As Hari mentions in his TED Talk, a group of people found meaning in such a simple act as gardening. So it really can be anything you find worthwhile.
I suggest you do some self-exploration to find out what’s really important to you, then join a group or form one yourself around that subject. It can be doing something good for the community, like collecting trash, volunteering to help at an animal shelter, reading for children etc. Or it can be something totally different.
The most important thing is, that the thing you do is meaningful to you.
2. Be About Something Bigger Than You
Here’s an excellent tip from Hari, that might very well be all the advice you ever need in life:
Think about a moment in your life when you have felt meaning and purpose.
Then think about how you could dedicate more of your life to experience more of these moments.
Think about it. Think about it deeply.
It’s simple, yet so profound. It doesn’t mean you have to give up everything you own and totally change the way you live. You don’t have to live like a monk without any material wealth and dedicate your life to a higher purpose.
Bonus Tip
We have learned to think, that there’s only one “right” choice and making that choice rules the other options out. For example, like I just mentioned, that serving a higher purpose (often we think of monks or priests), means giving up most of the material things you enjoy like money or intimacy. I’m telling you that you can have both.
Choosing an option does not have to exclude the other options. You can do something that has meaning and purpose to you, and make a living in the process. Change your thinking, change your beliefs, change your life.
Let’s end on a positive note:
Not every millennial (or younger) feel their life is sad and without meaning.
In fact, a majority (70%) of Millennials do report that they have at least one best friend. Nearly half (49%) say that they have between one and four close friends. And as was stated earlier, 50 % think that their job is contributing to the world and is somewhat or very fulfilling.
Conclusion
Depression is in part (or even in full) caused by unmet emotional (psychological) needs.
There is no one single cause for depression, but there are several identified causes and risk factors.
There are also multiple factors in the way we live that contribute to being at risk of depression
Being a part of a tribe, a community, is deeply ingrained in our genes. We are inclined towards being a meaningful part of a community.
Derived from living as a part of a tribe, we can identify other psychological needs: Family, friendship, connection. Recognition, self-esteem, freedom.
Our modern values are “junk values”. Just like “junk food” is bad for our physical health, “junk values” are bad for our mental health.
We have forgotten, or just outright neglect, what’s really important in life and pursue goals that are not fulfilling our inbuilt needs.
If you are depressed or anxious or just sad, know that there’s nothing wrong with you. You are not weak, you are a human being with unmet needs. Depression is a signal that your psychological needs are not being met.
There are ways to fulfill your unmet psychological needs:
- Join a tribe and do something meaningful together
- Be about something bigger than you
Think about a moment in your life when you have felt meaning and purpose.
Then think about how you could dedicate more of your life to experience more of these moments.
Disclaimer
The entire contents of this blog are based upon the opinions of the author. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. The information in this blog is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your health care professional before trying any of the products or methods based on this content. I cannot guarantee that you will be free of stress, anxiety or depression, or that you will be happy. I simply want to share with you what I have discovered during my twenty years of seeking happiness and what has worked for me may not work for you.
