Letting Go and moving on – How to Overcome Expectations and Reclaim Your Happiness
Expectations are a part of life. As conscious beings, we can make plans and expect those plans to be realized.
That’s part of the joy of physical life. The anticipation preceding a fun event can be a rewarding feeling in and of itself.
Yet, expectations are a double-edged sword: We might get disappointed if things don’t turn out the way we expected. that much you already know.
But are you aware that having your expectations met can be the worst thing that ever happened to you?
Yes, expecting something and actually getting it may not be what you want to happen at all.
Why?
Because your expectations may not be yours at all.
They may, in fact, be expectations of others that you believe are your own (I’ll explain this in a moment).
And if you can’t separate your expectations from the expectations of others, you may be unintentionally living someone else’s life, so to speak. Therefore, even if you got what you expected, it will not be what you truly wanted deep inside.
So overcoming expectations is not just about letting go of your attachment to the expected result. It’s also about understanding the difference between your expectations and the expectations of others.
And finally, overcoming expectations comes down to accepting whatever may happen, and focusing on being happy in the moment, despite circumstances around you.
Why your expectations may not actually be yours
Expectations are a tricky bunch because they are often based on our beliefs. We form beliefs throughout our lives, and once formed they tend to sit tight.
When we grow up, we are constantly bombarded with other people’s opinions (that are based on their beliefs). Our teachers, parents, friends, the society as a whole, keep telling us “facts” about how life should be.
We hear these “truths” so much, that we adopt them as our own.
So we start to expect from ourselves what other people have told us. We expect to do well at school, get a good job, build a successful career, and so on.
Then we get stuck between our own expectations and other people’s expectations that mask themselves as our own expectations.
How are we supposed to live a happy life with all of these expectations to fulfill?
You may think that getting what you expect will make you happy, but often the opposite is true. I can tell you from my experience, that fulfilling all expectations is not a path to a happy life.
My expectations made me live a life I didn’t truly want
For ten years I was a successful salesman at a large corporate bank. I had it all: friends, parties, travel, money, cars, you name it.
But the one thing I lacked was happiness. No matter what I got and what I did, I didn’t feel happy. Instead, I was stressed and anxious so much so, that I ultimately got depressed.
I didn’t understand what the problem was. I had done everything right, by which I mean I had done everything I thought was needed for happiness.
So I was expecting to be happy after everything I had accomplished. But happiness never came.
Now, years later, it’s easy to see why my life was that way. Unbeknownst to me at the time, life was trying to steer me in the direction of happiness, but I was unable to move in that direction since I was expecting things to work out differently.
It took me years to realize that I was following expectations that were not even my own. It took even longer to understand that knowing and accepting my own truths about life and letting go of expectations would lead me to the life I had always dreamed of.
You see, after ten years as a corporate bank salesman, I left my job to pursue an even more demanding position and an even higher salary. I was offered a job in a startup company, and it seemed like the perfect opportunity for me and a logical step to advance my career.
That’s what I thought my life was about, and that’s what I was expecting to happen.
Acceptance is the key
After only three months in my new job, I was even more miserable than before. I was so stressed and anxious, that every area of my life started to go down the gutter.
So I quit, confident that I could rectify this misstep and find another more suitable job. I sent a couple of applications, got called into interviews, and felt pretty good about finding my dream job. After all, I was a highly qualified salesman with experience in the corporate world as well as a startup company. Who wouldn’t want to hire me?
No one, that’s who.
I could not get a new job no matter how hard I tried. And I used every trick in the book: I called in favors, contacted old acquaintances, and got “creative” with my CV.
Nothing worked.
Eventually, I was forced to give up everything. I lost my house, car, relationship, savings… Basically my whole life.
Fortunately, I did not lose my friends and my belief that every misfortune was a blessing in disguise. I must admit, that despite this belief, I did not feel good. It was the most emotionally challenging and stressful time of my life.
But there and then, staying at my friend’s place, life in shambles, and my identity broken, I decided that it was time to let go of what I expected my life to be and accept whatever was to come.
I could not change what had happened. I chose to accept it instead.
I started to meditate every night before going to bed and feel grateful for the small things I still had.
And wouldn’t you know it, after just a week or two I started to feel a lot better.
Letting go leads to unexpected outcomes
Funny enough, after losing everything I thought would make me happy, I found that releasing those expectations and accepting my life just the way it was actually made me happier than I had ever been.
I felt peaceful and relaxed and noticed a persistent spark of joy deep within my soul trying to grow into full-blown happiness.
Then, after a month had passed, I got a call from one of my friends. He remembered that I had often wondered what his job as a kindergarten teacher was like. He said that he could recommend me for an open position at their kindergarten if I wanted to try out working with children.
I was out of money and in need of something meaningful to do, so I said yes, although a part of me still tried to refuse this new identity and kept on expecting life to steer me back into the corporate world.
But to my surprise, I truly enjoyed working with children, even though I had always avoided being in their presence (I don’t know why; I just felt like I didn’t like children very much).
I was feeling great again, and working such a meaningful job made me realize that even though I thought I used to have it all, I was lacking the thing that truly mattered the most: Meaning and purpose in life (Meaning and purpose that I nowadays follow by running my own business).
I realized that I had listened to others’ opinions too much and started to live according to their expectations: Get a good education to get a good job to make lots of money. You know, the usual.
Even though I got what I expected, it ultimately brought me only misery.
But when I was forced to let go of these expectations and “go with the flow”, I became happier and more peaceful than ever before. Letting go of expectations lead me to a life more joyful than I was ever capable of imagining.
You can have this experience too.
The lessons I learned about expectations
There are two things I learned that can help you work with expectations:
1. Know the difference between your expectations and the expectations of others
2. Use your expectations to guide you, rather than letting them be the goal
1. The difference between your and others’ expectations
How to differentiate between what you actually want, and what you have come to believe you should want?
This one is simple: Trust your feelings.
Your feelings are truth-tellers. If you don’t feel good when thinking, saying, or doing something, you are most likely not living according to your meaning and purpose.
Please don’t ignore or repress your feelings; They are a compass that is meant to guide you through your life.
Stop and listen to how you feel, and aim to do more of what makes you feel good.
2. Using your expectations to guide you
I know we are told constantly that if we expect good things to happen, they will happen. While this is a beautiful statement and can hold true, there is a pitfall that you should avoid.
When you expect something, you may actually push it away. This may sound strange, but your mind works in mysterious ways. The human mind loves beliefs and is very keen to stick to what you already believe to be true.
This is called confirmation bias.
Your mind will do everything in its power to draw your attention to things around you that you already believe to be true.
It’s a feedback loop that can be positive or negative. Your mind will try very hard to prove to you that your beliefs are true. It will focus your attention on things that prove your beliefs and ignore everything else.
It could be thought of as a form of tunnel vision. Your mind blocks everything out that is not in line with your beliefs.
When you expect something to happen, you may place it “outside of your reach”. To put it another way: You are telling your mind that you do not already have what you wish for. If you had it, why would you need to expect it to appear in your life sometime in the future?
And if you are telling your mind that you do not have what you are after, your mind will try to convince you that it is indeed so. It will operate on the confirmation bias and focus your attention on everything around you that confirms that you do not have what you expect to have.
Can you see the problem here?
If you willingly or by accident believe that you do not have something, your mind will try to prove to you that you do not indeed have that thing.
The way out of this is to expect something as if you already have it. Move from expecting to choosing.
Say: “I expect this to happen because it has already happened. I expect this to happen because I choose it to happen. I have it, and my beautiful mind will show me that I already have what I am expecting to get.”
This way, you are telling your mind to let your expectations guide you. When you tell your mind that you already have what you expect, your mind will work in your favor and find all the things around you that you say you are expecting.
Accept what is, focus on the moment, and trust your feelings
Expectations may also block other outcomes from happening. Outcomes that could be far better than what you had in mind.
It’s like trying to push open a door, when all you had to do is pull.
Or had you just stopped and looked around, you might have seen that the door next to you was open the whole time.
That’s what happened to me. I was trying to force my way back into the corporate world, but that did not happen no matter how hard I tried.
Only after letting go and accepting did I see all the other opportunities around me.
Life happens now, in this very moment. You don’t experience yesterday, that’s already gone. You don’t experience the future either, that is yet to come. You can only experience what happens now.
So when you expect things to happen, you focus your attention on the future.
Instead, focus on making the most out of what you have right at this very moment.
Practice mindfulness, try meditation, or just take a few deep breaths to bring your attention to the moment.
Accept the circumstances around you: They are always an opportunity. The circumstances you face are there so that you can create yourself anew, as the most amazing version you can imagine.
When you accept what is, you are not trying to force your way into an expected outcome.
This way, you leave room for your highest thoughts and beliefs to manifest in your life.
And your highest thoughts and beliefs will guide you to a beautiful, joyful life.
Disclaimer
The entire contents of this blog are based upon the opinions of the author. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. The information in this blog is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your health care professional before trying any of the products or methods based on this content. I cannot guarantee that you will be free of stress, anxiety or depression, or that you will be happy. I simply want to share with you what I have discovered during my twenty years of seeking happiness and what has worked for me may not work for you.
