How to be Happy With Yourself – 3 Essential Insights
Learning how to be happy with yourself is one of the most fundamental things we learn while growing up. The problem is, that the instructions for being happy come from everyone else but you.
We start to learn at a very young age that there’s a certain formula that we must follow if we want to become successful. The media, society, our teachers, and even our parents and friends push their own opinion telling us who, what, and how we should be.
Study hard and get a university degree. Work hard and climb through the corporate ranks. There’s a certain yearly income you have to make if you want to consider yourself successful. You will also need a family, because who would be happy with themselves if they live alone? And so on, and so on.
We start to believe what others tell us: That only if we achieve those goals, we will look perfect and lead perfect lives. It will become the only way to be happy with yourself and not feel inadequate.
Be yourself
In essence, your inability to be happy with yourself comes from a misplaced need for external validation. You have made the thoughts of others your own and pursue goals that do not reflect who you are.
This is not a judgement, but an observation. It happened to me and I struggled for 20 years as an adult to be happy with myself.
The good news is that it does not have to take you 20 years to learn how to be happy with yourself.
I’ve collected tips here that helped me overcome the feeling of inadequacy and I’m sure they can help you too.
1. Stop caring about what other people think of you
The first step in learning how to be happy with yourself is to understand that there’s nothing wrong with you. You do not need to change who you are and your success can only be defined by you.
You do not need validation from others. Period. Only you know what’s good for you and you should pursue the goals and dreams that you want – not what others want.
Still, it can put you down if other people say mean things about you or judge you in any way. We’ll deal with how to stop negative thought cycles in a moment, but first, these two things might help you deal with unsupportive people.
Know that their negativity is based on fear
All negativity is rooted in fear and an attack on another is that fear being expressed. Deep down the people that speak negatively of you are afraid of something.
They may be afraid that if you gain something they will somehow lose, or that if you achieve your goals they will seem like failures.
They suffer from the same problem as you, that they do not know how to be happy with themselves. This may help you shift your perspective, forgive those who mistreat you more easily and let their negative comments slip by.
Choose your company carefully
You should also consider choosing your company carefully (when possible). Find ways to be more around people who make you feel good and support you. Furthermore, try to find ways to be less around people who are unsupportive and put you down.
It may be easier said than done, but it will be worth the effort. Social connections are important to us. Without them, we cannot thrive, so make sure your relationships are supportive.
It will be much easier to be happy with yourself in an environment that supports your goals and dreams.
2. Stop your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones
Once you’ve minimized negative thoughts that you might obtain from your social circles, it’s time to eliminate your own negative thought patterns.
Your thoughts can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Unfortunately, the latter is often true. Your mind keeps telling you, based on your beliefs (which we will tackle in a moment), that you are not enough.
The root cause of your inability to be happy with yourself is that at some level you believe that you are not enough. No matter what you do and what goals you achieve, it’s never enough because you are not enough.
Fortunately, you can learn to control your thoughts and replace the negative ones with positive ones.
The first thing to do is to be aware of your thoughts. Set reminders for yourself that say “what am I thinking?”. Post-it notes, events in your calendar, daily reminders on your phone, whatever makes you remember to pay attention to your thoughts.
Distance yourself from your thoughts
The next step is to replace negative thoughts with positive ones. If you find yourself thinking any negative thoughts, such as “what I’m doing is not enough”, or “I can’t be happy with myself”, distance yourself from those thoughts. You can do that in a few different ways:
1. Write your thoughts down on a piece of paper and put the paper in the trash.
2. Tell your mind to shut up. Think or say out loud “you don’t know that” or “you’re not in charge, I am”. It may help if you give your mind a concrete form or a personality. Imagine your negative thoughts being said by a person you can’t take seriously. Say: “I don’t believe you”. This may seem silly, but it will help you distance yourself from your thoughts.
3. Imagine your thoughts being clouds that you observe. They float by and have different shapes and sizes. You observe them but do not feel any attachment to them. This can be further enhanced when you do this exercise while meditating.
The goal is to stop criticizing yourself and replace the critique your mind gives with positive affirmations.
Replace "I should" with "should I?"
Circling back to where we started, remember that you are constantly being told by everyone what you should do to be successful and happy. That’s why you constantly question yourself and think about things that you should do to “be worthy of success”
Regarding the “should and shouldn’t”, here’s an easy but excellent tip from Science Of People: Try replacing “I Should” With “Should I?”
It’s commonplace to think thoughts such as:
“I should be more extroverted at work.”
“I should be more courageous like I used to be.”
“I should be getting paid more.”
But the insight from Science Of People reminds us that:
“I should’s” are red flags. They can lead you to think something is wrong with you. Instead, question why you feel that way:
“Should I be more extroverted at work?:
“Should I be more courageous like before?
“Should I be getting paid more?”
“When you rephrase them as questions, your mind shifts and begins to think of WHY you feel that way in the first place. Perhaps you’ve been told as a kid that you should be more outgoing. Or maybe you see your friends on social media having expensive items while your life feels bland.”
Try these tips to stop your negative thoughts. Then replace your negative thoughts with positive ones. Tell yourself “I am enough”, “I can do this”, or, “no one tells me what is right for me but me”.
This will reinforce your positive beliefs about yourself and push you along the way to becoming happy with yourself.
3. Believe that you are enough
What you think for long enough will eventually form a belief, and your beliefs shape your entire life. Beliefs are subconscious thought patterns that dictate how you think, what you say and what you do without your conscious participation.
Therefore, how to be happy with yourself ultimately comes down to what you believe. If you believe that you can be happy and that you deserve to be happy, you eventually will be happy.
If you believe that there’s always something more that you need to achieve and that what you do will never be enough, you may find it very difficult to be happy.
Brene Brown has spent 10 years studying fear, uncertainty, and vulnerability. Her research revealed one key insight about happiness, love and belonging:
“People who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy.”
To be happy with yourself, instil in yourself the belief that you are worthy of happiness.
Here are two tips for doing just that.
How to be happy with yourself: acceptance
This is a simple exercise but it may be difficult to do at first. Keep at it and it will eventually become easier. Despite its simplicity, it’s a great exercise for getting rid of the feeling of “not enough”.
- Stand in front of a mirror
- Look yourself in the eyes
- Say “I love you, I accept you, you are enough”
- Repeat at least two times.
That’s it! Simple isn’t it? But if there’s one exercise that has worked wonders for me in terms of learning to be happy with myself, it’s this one.
There are a couple of different variations of this exercise on my blog, but the basic structure remains the same. The key is to look yourself in the eyes and make positive affirmations.
Try meditation
Meditation is my go-to practice for almost anything, and with good reason! Meditation can help you pick up new healthy habits and change your beliefs about yourself.
Try my 15-minute happiness meditation here
or read more about changing your beliefs here.
Conclusion
your inability to be happy with yourself is rooted in a misplaced desire for external validation. You have made the thoughts of others your own and pursue goals that do not reflect who you are.
You do not need validation from others. Stop your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones.
After that, how to be happy with yourself comes down to what you believe. If you believe that you can be happy and that you deserve to be happy, you eventually will be happy.
Use the methods described in this blog post to instil in yourself the belief that you are worthy of happiness and that you are enough.
The methods that will help you be happy with yourself are:
- Stop caring about what other people think of you
- Stop your negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones
- Form a belief that you are enough
Disclaimer
The entire contents of this blog are based upon the opinions of the author. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. The information in this blog is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your health care professional before trying any of the products or methods based on this content. I cannot guarantee that you will be free of stress, anxiety or depression, or that you will be happy. I simply want to share with you what I have discovered during my twenty years of seeking happiness and what has worked for me may not work for you.
