Why Embracing all of my Emotions is the Only Path to Happiness
...And how I let my feelings live again
My therapist told me I had to connect to my emotions.
By now, I sort of knew how this would go.
She seeded the theme.
I‘d be at a complete loss about what she meant.
Next, an avalanche of unpleasant experiences would teach me.
I took a deep breath. I reminded myself why I was pushing through all this; to live
happily ever after.
Why Happiness is the not the only emotion that counts
Emotions this time: Fear. Anger. Jealousy. Shame. Guilt. Sadness. All the bad stuff.
I sensed a discord with my happiness goal. In my vision, there was no space for
emotional crap.
Growing up, I had not learnt about emotions and it certainly was not taught at
school. Quite the contrary.
When you displayed an emotion, you were shamed. Kids
laughed at you. “Don’t be so emotional.” This was true of tears, screaming, or anger;
all behaviours that were not tolerated.
None of the adults I knew expressed emotions
in any way. No one spoke about them.
What did I take from this?
It was not okay to have emotions.
I tucked them in. I suppressed them at all cost. I remember consciously choosing
never to cry again. I kept this promise until my life imploded about thirty years later.
Here I was.
I was supposed to open up that valve again.
A book found me, “The Language of Emotions” written by Karla McLaren, 2010,
published by Sounds True.
For the first time, I came across a statement like this:
“Anger is okay. It is okay to feel angry.”
I stared at the sentence and took a moment to absorb it.
This was contradictory to all my beliefs.
How could “being angry” be okay?
When I thought back of my experiences of anger,
the outcomes had not been ‘okay’.
Anger is an energy - It needs to move
I remember trying out a new cake recipe for the birthday of our son.
The batter did not look or taste right. I was under pressure because the party preparations were
precisely timed.
I could not lose time on this cake. Anger flushed through me like a hot wave.
The energy had to go somewhere and in my case, it was the bowl.
I hit it as hard as I could. The batter exploded. Chocolate spills covered the kitchen and my family collapsed in laughter. Shame flooded my face. I wanted to hide under the table.
I suppose a spilled cake does not count as great havoc but at the time it felt terrible.
It did not feel ‘okay’.
I always thought I was the only one feeling anger
I continued reading, surprised to find out that everyone carries with them this whole
set of emotions.
Anger, fear, pain, shame, jealousy, sadness.
Really? Where were they?
Why could I hardly see them in anyone I met?
I was confused.
If everyone had these emotions, how did people handle them? Did they face them?
Did they bottle them up? Did they let them flow? Did they lash out at someone?
I discovered choices. I could choose how to deal with my emotions in any given
moment.
I could choose to feel them all, or I could choose to tuck them away where
they would haunt me later.
They did not simply disappear. I could feel them in my body. Often they sat in my belly leading to cramps and constipation. Another of their favourite hang-outs was on top of my shoulders, as if the whole world was pushing its weight on me.
I did not like that. I tried to ignore the pains. They interfered with my happiness model.
How anger turned out to be one of my greatest teachers
Karla McLaren said every emotion was there to convey a message.
I was not convinced. I could not even distinguish my emotions. How could they be messengers?
I kept reading and I learned that anger could help me keep my boundaries. This was about honouring my “self” and my values.
In the cake scenario, I was the victim of my own expectations, striving to be the perfect mother/house-wife/party-organiser who had everything under control.
My “self” did not agree.
Anger flared up to remind me. Parties could be fun, but only if I did not expect myself to shoulder everything.
After all, there were four other people in the house who could have supported me had I spoken up and asked.
On a side note, our cat did her best to clean up the chocolate spots. At least she did not have to be told.
Now that I was learning about emotions, I noticed a few things:
- My children expressed their emotions freely. Every time they did, they made me feel uncomfortable.
- There was a lack of emotions displayed in the grown-ups around me, including myself.
- This ‘emotions’ topic felt like the elephant in the room. Everyone tiptoed
around it.
Why did children express emotions so openly, but not adults?
Something must have happened.
Emotional patterns span over generations
I had to look at my childhood and my home country Germany.
My grandparents lived through WWII. My parents were born towards the end of the war. My families originate from what is now Poland and used to be part of the German Reich.
When WWII ended, these lands were handed to Poland and my grandparents left with their young families.
During their toddler years, my parents were exposed to all kinds of drama: fear, trauma, pain, hunger, violence and guilt.
I can only imagine “showing weakness”, aka emotions, meant risking your life.
Everyone needed strength to pull through. I can imagine the pain and fear were too
much to bear, and shoved away, forbidden to resurface.
This was their survival strategy.
Most of the trauma was never resolved.
It became part of the way they raised their kids, “Don’t show this. Don’t be weak. Don’t cry.”
They did not know any better. How could they teach something they never learned?
I saw the amount of pain in their world – which continues to be here today. Still, I
believe everyone is striving for happiness.
How I moved from feeling ‘happy’ to feeling ‘whole’
There was a clear discord.
I asked myself a serious question. Was happily ever after even possible?
Because of this goal:
- I ignored my negative feelings until I exploded.
- I tried to control my emotions which backfired.
- I worked on eliminating events that triggered my negative reactions. This turned out to be impossible given that most of the situations happened at home with my own family!
But what instead?
I needed to rethink my goal.
Maybe happiness came from acceptance?
Maybe happiness came from allowing myself to be whole, including my fears, my
pains and my grief?
Maybe it was a good idea to embrace my emotions to see what they could teach me?
Maybe I could feel better about myself if I allowed myself to weep when I felt sad?
Maybe I was a better parent if I modelled to my children that it was okay to feel anger
and safe to cry?
Maybe it was a step forward to show my kids how to deal with emotions in a healthy
way?
Maybe it was up to me to break the cycle?
It seemed daunting, but exciting at the same time.
I have chosen to walk down that path.
I am getting better at it. Still, there are days
when I feel like crouching down on the sofa in complete overwhelm.
Sometimes it takes me time to remember to embrace these moments as well.
It is okay to feel it all, including the crappy days.
Happiness for me is “feeling whole”.
About the Author
Miri (Mirja) Camphausen is the author of the beautiful and joyful children’s book “Heroes of the Quest – An Impossible Team”, an adventurous journey of a mouse, a giraffe, a slug, and … a surprise animal!
She has been doing inner work for the past decade and has shared her journey on her blog together with channelled messages.
Mirja lives in Sydney, Australia. She loves traveling, being silly with her family, deep conversations, great coffee, yummy dark chocolate, languages (including grammar!), and the magic of words! She is an aspiring martial artist and wants to see as much of the world as possible.
Disclaimer
The entire contents of this blog are based upon the opinions of the author. It is intended for informational and educational purposes only. The information in this blog is not intended to replace a one-on-one relationship with a qualified health care professional and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult your health care professional before trying any of the products or methods based on this content. I cannot guarantee that you will be free of stress, anxiety or depression, or that you will be happy. I simply want to share with you what I have discovered during my twenty years of seeking happiness and what has worked for me may not work for you.
